COMPLICATED? A WORD TOO COMMONLY USED...

Its hard to explain all the mixed feelings i have right about now.

• Frustration
• Independence
  
• Annoyance
• Tired
• Selfish
• Remorse
• Anxiety

That barely explains em all...
I thought we hit it off?
Suppose i was wrong..

I'll be ok without you...
I've lived without you so far...

Why do we always have to fight?
Why do you always have to want to win....

I'm done...
done pretending like i'm superwoman...
all you do is take advantage of me...
at least try to understand me...
STOP demeaning me....

I should'nt have let you in so easily....
I shouldn't have done a lot of things...
but i don't regret making those mistakes...
because now i know who you are....

I'm not ready...
What if i dont make the cut?
What if i'm not good enough?
Am i fat?

Damn it....
I've been avoiding people for over the past week now...
I'm too messed up for any meaningful conversation....
I'm too tired to care about everyone else...
I just need to be on my own for awhile...
I was much happier that way..
That way is how i'd like to stay....


Thank you KIMMIEKINS...
You are the one that has been there for me all along....
Without you....
I don't even want to think of what i'd be like without you...
You take care of me....
No complains....
No questions asked...
No catch...
I love you woman...
For everything that you mean to me..
and for how much you understand me....

Thank you Neda...
You are the newest of all my besties...
But you mean a lot to me...
You check up on me and i know that you do genuinely care about me...
And for all those reasons and more...
I love you too....

Thanks also to Joanne and Jon....
And every one else....

I am so grateful to be so loved and feel so blessed to have such AWESOME people in my life...

*hugggieessss*

I'm so tired of feeling sorry....
I'm so tired of always being expected to do the right thing...
I'm so tired of always being guilted in o doing whatever anyone else wants...
I'm so tired of being broke and constantly asked stupid questions like how i became broke in the first place...

I'm tired of feeling bad everytime i feel selfish...
i'm tired of always being pushed around in to doing what everyone wants...
I'm tired of explaining myself....
I'm just so tired....

i could break in to a thousand pieces right now and lie on my bed all day....
I feel as though a huge burden has been put on my shoulders and everyone is making me feel like its all my fault....
Like i wanted it...
its just soo unfair how things always end up like this....
why am i always misunderstood....
why is it that it is so hard for them to give but so easy for them to take from me...

Ben could never understand...
and she doesn't even want to....
she always guilts mum in to giving her back her money so why should she care....
its not her money therefore its not her problem...
its so easy to point fingers and blame everyone else...
but oh so difficult to take the time to actually understand why things are what they are..

I feel so deprived...
why does she always spend on unnecessary things...
she think it right to blame me for my guilty pleasures yet all of hers are justified?
what happened to her respondsibilty to our family...
or is that all just poppy cock now...

its unfair to say that i haven't made any sacrifices...
is even more unfair for her to compare herself to me...
i am but her daughter and she is the mother...
our breadwinner.. is she not?

i will always do my part...
what i hope is that she does hers too...
it saddens me... deeply when she questions the whereabouts of my money...
i could ask her the same and i know she would only provide an answer to make me feel like shit...
and leave out all the little guilty pleasures she had along the way....

Am i not to young to go through these things?
i have no one that can empathise with my predicament...
I am alone on this journey of self discovery...
to realise my true purpose...

I am now depressed...
frustrated that my own family things of the value of money to be far greater than love itself...
annoyed that she constantly compares her state to mine....
upset that i may never have a say and be supported for it by my own family...
My life is not my own...
i will constantly be reminded of what i owe my mother...
and due to that... no choice i make will be able to truly be my own....